I think im addicted to being embarrassed

k so like ... i think it prolly started when i was just starting highschool... i used to go to my friends house after school and he had a big brother and like lots of his friends over like all the time.. and i would like get soooo excited to go over there cause there were all these cool guys over there all the time... and they would all like tease me really bad but like they would give me sooo much attention that like even tho they teased me and like make me blush constantly like i got addicted to all the attention? like they would tease me about sex and tell me i wanted to like do them all and that i was probably a total slut and things like that... and like one day this one guy was teasing me soo bad that i like pretended to hit him.. but he like grabbed my wrists super fast and held me down and like started tickling me... and i like tried to beg him to stop but i couldnt get any words out cause he was tickling me sooo bad! like soo bad that he made me pee my panties... and then i could get out the words and started begging him like please stop? and like super begging him... but he wouldnt stop and i started to cry... and he like put his hand on my cheek and asked if i was ok....i was already crying and every1 saw me crying and i was sooo embarrassed but like.. i think i liked it... like alot? but then like he moved his thumb like over my lips and he leaned in and whispered in my ear while he slid his thumb into my mouth... and he whispered to me like saying you love this dont you? and that he was going to fuck me sooo good that it was going to make me cry just like this.....and he kept whispering in my ear like you would love that wouldnt you? and i love this don't i? like over and over and over while he like totally slid his thumb in and out of my mouth like he was fucking my mouth... and like i knew that some of the guys could totally see what he was doing and it was sooooooo totally humiliating and embarrassing? but like it felt sooo intimate and like it was the first time a i was ever like that intimate with any1.... like it made me forget that i wet myself... but then i totally felt it and was super horrified that every1 would know i wet myself... and that i was going to get it on him cause his knee was between my thighs!! and i started begging him to let me up but he laughed and started tickling me again! and he like made me beg for like a long time and they all made fun of the sounds i was making....but then i heard one of them say to keep doing it til i peed my pants! like i was soo embarrassed and like all i could do was cry and beg..... and like every day after that? its like all i could think about.... and i totally fell in love with him? and i like waited for him to ask me out he like never did...