When in Doubt, Count the Penises
When in Doubt, Count the Penises
A Handy Algorithm for Calculating Porn Orientation Categories
You may have noticed that, along with the regular-type categories (e.g., "twinks", "bears", "blowjobs", "that slut who is spreading rumors about you all over town", "anal", etc.) into which the porn clips on this and practically every other porn site are sorted, there are three big main categories that are so über, selecting one of them makes porn from the other two categories completely vanish.
These are the orientation categories: straight, gay and transgender.
Some of you may have a difficult time knowing which is which. This guide is intended to help.
Transgender porn is a separate category from gay porn which is, in turn, different from straight porn.
We realize it's difficult sometimes to categorize the orientation of different clips. Perhaps you're a straight person, and you automatically think anything that's got a guy in a dress is gay.
Well, you're wrong. Typically nobody wears dresses in gay porn. That's why it's gay porn.
Well, if they don't wear dresses, then what do people wear in gay porn?
- jockstraps
- expensive jockstraps
- expensive underwear that looks a lot like a jockstrap
- socks
- inexpensive underwear (Warning: It is important this not be worn over the underwear area, because that would cover up the expensive underwear, which would be silly. Inexpensive underwear is used only as a facial covering)
Or maybe you're a gay man, and in the middle of watching a really hot couple of gentlemen being all rough & tumble disporting themselves in a truck stop parking lot, you notice that one of the gentlemen has a vagina.
Well, did you faint dead away? Tell the truth. Did you?
To help ease the transition for you into this modern century, we've devised a handy mnemonic: "When in doubt, count the penises"— which may help you remember this handy algorithm:
1. Let m = the number of men in the clip.
2. Let p = the number of penises in the clip.
3. Let t = the total number of people in the clip.
If m = p = t, it's gay porn.
If p = m < t, it's straight porn.
if m < p, it's transgender porn.
Many other combinations and permutations are possible. If you come across a combination that looks unfamiliar to you, a pounding in your head may signal your blood pressure rising, along with an odd feeling in the pit of your stomach and a dissociative faraway sound you may, once the dizziness subsides, find is actually your own screams. DON'T PANIC, however.
Why not make a game of it? Come up with fun and informative names for orientation categories not yet officially recognized. Make illustrations and print them on cards. Collect 'em! Trade 'em!
The three official orientation categories are there to help ensure your brain is not accidentally traumatized in case your eyeballs accidentally see a kind of porn that scares you. You're welcome!
A Handy Algorithm for Calculating Porn Orientation Categories
You may have noticed that, along with the regular-type categories (e.g., "twinks", "bears", "blowjobs", "that slut who is spreading rumors about you all over town", "anal", etc.) into which the porn clips on this and practically every other porn site are sorted, there are three big main categories that are so über, selecting one of them makes porn from the other two categories completely vanish.
These are the orientation categories: straight, gay and transgender.
Some of you may have a difficult time knowing which is which. This guide is intended to help.
Transgender porn is a separate category from gay porn which is, in turn, different from straight porn.
We realize it's difficult sometimes to categorize the orientation of different clips. Perhaps you're a straight person, and you automatically think anything that's got a guy in a dress is gay.
Well, you're wrong. Typically nobody wears dresses in gay porn. That's why it's gay porn.
Well, if they don't wear dresses, then what do people wear in gay porn?
- jockstraps
- expensive jockstraps
- expensive underwear that looks a lot like a jockstrap
- socks
- inexpensive underwear (Warning: It is important this not be worn over the underwear area, because that would cover up the expensive underwear, which would be silly. Inexpensive underwear is used only as a facial covering)
Or maybe you're a gay man, and in the middle of watching a really hot couple of gentlemen being all rough & tumble disporting themselves in a truck stop parking lot, you notice that one of the gentlemen has a vagina.
Well, did you faint dead away? Tell the truth. Did you?
To help ease the transition for you into this modern century, we've devised a handy mnemonic: "When in doubt, count the penises"— which may help you remember this handy algorithm:
1. Let m = the number of men in the clip.
2. Let p = the number of penises in the clip.
3. Let t = the total number of people in the clip.
If m = p = t, it's gay porn.
If p = m < t, it's straight porn.
if m < p, it's transgender porn.
Many other combinations and permutations are possible. If you come across a combination that looks unfamiliar to you, a pounding in your head may signal your blood pressure rising, along with an odd feeling in the pit of your stomach and a dissociative faraway sound you may, once the dizziness subsides, find is actually your own screams. DON'T PANIC, however.
Why not make a game of it? Come up with fun and informative names for orientation categories not yet officially recognized. Make illustrations and print them on cards. Collect 'em! Trade 'em!
The three official orientation categories are there to help ensure your brain is not accidentally traumatized in case your eyeballs accidentally see a kind of porn that scares you. You're welcome!
3 年 前
