Mike's Blog 12: Contracts
Why the list again? Because I feel I left it incomplete. Sure, I've talked about what should be on it, I've tasked about it's importance. But one of the most frequently asked questions is "how do we write it?" Well... normally I'd say that's up to you, but maybe it's better to hand out some sort of guideline. Not step by step instructions, but an idea how to approach it. And I highly recommend having this list regardless if you are just interested in some role playing or want to live it. The less serious you are about it, the more you can reduce it to it's basics, but having at least hard limits is unavoidable. Don't go at it, thinking "what can go wrong, we're just playing." Because that is it what can ruin everything.
The first step is deciding on the nature of your relationship. Keep your worlds separate, have overlaps or blend them together. If you go for the first option, there is not much to it. The second and third are where it gets interesting.
If you decide to overlap, the first step is to set boundaries. Places/situations where it's absolutely taboo to do it. Generally it's in public, when you have visitors, in front of your k**s... The logical choices. But you can also set exceptions. For example: it's not allowed to do it in public, unless under conditions.
1) In a way that no one notices, like wearing a remote controlled butterfly
2) in the presence of certain people whom know you for who you truly are and/or share your interests.
The list can go on, but these are the kind of exceptions that you can make.
If you go for 24/7 domination, you need zones where it doesn't apply. At work for example. Some go as far as to do it publicly, take their sub for a walk on a leash. It can be fun, but know that you face a lot of ignorance and sometimes even rage when you do so. So choose wisely.
After that, you should start with the actual list. But not with hard or soft limits, but preferences. You might think it's overthinking it, but the whole subject is do complex, it's better to write it down. If only as a learning aid.
What positions does she like?
What positions would you like to see her in?
What position does she not want to do?
Can you do heavy restraining? (no movement possible at all)
Is there some part of her you're not allowed to tie up?
What are your favorite toys?
What are your least favorite toys?
And so on. This is not so much setting boundaries but a "getting to know you partner" exercise. Because no matter how long you've known each other, the question
"Honey, cane or whip, what's your favorite?" Comes up rather rarely. But you need to know these things in order to make it a great experience. That's not to say you can't use the things she likes less, but if you use her favorite tool as a punishment... You get the idea.
Up next are the hard limits. Know that both hard and soft limits apply to both the sub and the dom! And they are to be accepted without debate. No "come on, let's try it once" bullshit. You can ask why, but do not push your partner. If the sub does not want to be whipped, you will not whip her. Period. If the dom doesn't want to use needles, it's a done deal as well. This is the foundation of trust during the sessions or games and the rules are absolute.
The soft limits is what eats up the most paper. This is where you go into detail. A soft limit is either something one partner isn't sure about, or linked to certain conditions. As an example, here a small part of Melissa and my agreement.
The Submissive partner may not be pinched in the nipples if they were previously clamped, repeatedly hit or had the pump attached to them.
The Submissive partner may not be bound by her breasts, unless it was explicitly permitted before the session starts.
The Dominant partner will not use needles, unless they are a special punishment, used to temporarily attach something before using other means or if agreed upon beforehand.
And so on. By using either the sub or dom in the text, you can signal who set this limit. This will make most of your list and is the second most important part, after the hard limits. After that, you can add special clauses. The safe words for example. and to cover yet another frequently asked question: when gagged you choose a word that is good to hear, even through the gag, or you can use sounds. Three squeals in a specific pattern like long, long, short. Also popular is to not tie the head and go with a physical signal like violent shaking.
On to ownership agreements. I only brushed over them, and some questions came up. I think I covered their purpose, do let's turn this last part into a little Q&A.
Q: Ownership? As in being fucking OWNED?
A: Yes. Stop swearing, dumbass ;)
Q: Why would someone want to sign something like that?
A: It's difficult to explain, but I'll give it a try. It's a showing of trust and a deep expression of love. To hand yourself over to someone else, trust them completely and allow person to own you is an extension of the bdsm idea. It's not slavery, even though it can look like that from the outside.
Q: Can you give some examples for the clauses in a contact?
A: sure, but I won't copy any clauses because they are way too long. Instead, here are some simplified paragraphs:
The owned agrees to do any chores the owner chooses to give to the owned.
The owner is free to punish any disobedience with up to 30 slaps to the thighs or butt
The owner agrees to provide housing, food and clothes for the owned.
These are just some basic clauses and can regulate anything in a contract like that. Within reason, of course.
Q: Can you quit such a contact?
A: Yes. The contact is not legally binding, so it can be voided anytime. Although it takes some preparation, because you put yourself into a complete dependence. You have no own place, car or anything like that. So yes, but not on a whim.
Those are the main questions that I was asked. I hope they can shine some light on it, feel free to ask about it further.
Have fun!
Mike
The first step is deciding on the nature of your relationship. Keep your worlds separate, have overlaps or blend them together. If you go for the first option, there is not much to it. The second and third are where it gets interesting.
If you decide to overlap, the first step is to set boundaries. Places/situations where it's absolutely taboo to do it. Generally it's in public, when you have visitors, in front of your k**s... The logical choices. But you can also set exceptions. For example: it's not allowed to do it in public, unless under conditions.
1) In a way that no one notices, like wearing a remote controlled butterfly
2) in the presence of certain people whom know you for who you truly are and/or share your interests.
The list can go on, but these are the kind of exceptions that you can make.
If you go for 24/7 domination, you need zones where it doesn't apply. At work for example. Some go as far as to do it publicly, take their sub for a walk on a leash. It can be fun, but know that you face a lot of ignorance and sometimes even rage when you do so. So choose wisely.
After that, you should start with the actual list. But not with hard or soft limits, but preferences. You might think it's overthinking it, but the whole subject is do complex, it's better to write it down. If only as a learning aid.
What positions does she like?
What positions would you like to see her in?
What position does she not want to do?
Can you do heavy restraining? (no movement possible at all)
Is there some part of her you're not allowed to tie up?
What are your favorite toys?
What are your least favorite toys?
And so on. This is not so much setting boundaries but a "getting to know you partner" exercise. Because no matter how long you've known each other, the question
"Honey, cane or whip, what's your favorite?" Comes up rather rarely. But you need to know these things in order to make it a great experience. That's not to say you can't use the things she likes less, but if you use her favorite tool as a punishment... You get the idea.
Up next are the hard limits. Know that both hard and soft limits apply to both the sub and the dom! And they are to be accepted without debate. No "come on, let's try it once" bullshit. You can ask why, but do not push your partner. If the sub does not want to be whipped, you will not whip her. Period. If the dom doesn't want to use needles, it's a done deal as well. This is the foundation of trust during the sessions or games and the rules are absolute.
The soft limits is what eats up the most paper. This is where you go into detail. A soft limit is either something one partner isn't sure about, or linked to certain conditions. As an example, here a small part of Melissa and my agreement.
The Submissive partner may not be pinched in the nipples if they were previously clamped, repeatedly hit or had the pump attached to them.
The Submissive partner may not be bound by her breasts, unless it was explicitly permitted before the session starts.
The Dominant partner will not use needles, unless they are a special punishment, used to temporarily attach something before using other means or if agreed upon beforehand.
And so on. By using either the sub or dom in the text, you can signal who set this limit. This will make most of your list and is the second most important part, after the hard limits. After that, you can add special clauses. The safe words for example. and to cover yet another frequently asked question: when gagged you choose a word that is good to hear, even through the gag, or you can use sounds. Three squeals in a specific pattern like long, long, short. Also popular is to not tie the head and go with a physical signal like violent shaking.
On to ownership agreements. I only brushed over them, and some questions came up. I think I covered their purpose, do let's turn this last part into a little Q&A.
Q: Ownership? As in being fucking OWNED?
A: Yes. Stop swearing, dumbass ;)
Q: Why would someone want to sign something like that?
A: It's difficult to explain, but I'll give it a try. It's a showing of trust and a deep expression of love. To hand yourself over to someone else, trust them completely and allow person to own you is an extension of the bdsm idea. It's not slavery, even though it can look like that from the outside.
Q: Can you give some examples for the clauses in a contact?
A: sure, but I won't copy any clauses because they are way too long. Instead, here are some simplified paragraphs:
The owned agrees to do any chores the owner chooses to give to the owned.
The owner is free to punish any disobedience with up to 30 slaps to the thighs or butt
The owner agrees to provide housing, food and clothes for the owned.
These are just some basic clauses and can regulate anything in a contract like that. Within reason, of course.
Q: Can you quit such a contact?
A: Yes. The contact is not legally binding, so it can be voided anytime. Although it takes some preparation, because you put yourself into a complete dependence. You have no own place, car or anything like that. So yes, but not on a whim.
Those are the main questions that I was asked. I hope they can shine some light on it, feel free to ask about it further.
Have fun!
Mike
11 年 前