Savage Love: Free advice for gay men
Hey, Faggot:
I've been using one of those shower anal douches for about a year now and I've always wondered if there are any long-term side effects I should be aware of. Is using the douche once or twice a week too often? Am I washing away good bacteria? How do the prostate and colon fare during all this washing? --An Ass You Could Eat Dinner On --
Hey, AYCEDO:
Anal douching--giving yourself enemas--once or twice a week poses no long- or short-term health risks, so long as you're using lukewarm tap water and avoiding those nasty chemical douches sold in d**gstores. As for your prostate: the water doesn't actually wash over your prostate, as your prostate is tucked safely behind the walls of the rectum. Giving yourself an enema--or having a friend give you an enema--places pressure on the prostate, which some people find pleasurable, but doesn't "wash" it. As for your colon, any poop or mucus you manage to flush out will be replaced in pretty short order--your body just keeps making more. So, not to worry.
The only risk you're running, actually, is the means to your end: specifically, that shower-attachment anal doucher. You need to be very careful about the amount of water pressure you're putting on your guts; you don't wanna burst 'em. While those cyborg-douche shower attachments look dramatic, they're not the safest way to get water up your butt. Low-tech enema bags are easier to control, and you're not going to bump the faucet and increase the pressure accidentally.
Hey, Faggot:
One of my fetishes is to have my boyfriend piss up my butt. He's resistant, thinking it's most unsanitary. Aside from the obvious exposure to STDs, is there any other reason I shouldn't let him piss up my ass? --Fixated on Piss
Hey, FIP:
Here's what my old pal, Dr. Barak Gaster, had to say: "Yuck." After assuring him that entertaining your question isn't the same thing as endorsing your interests--don't I know it--he went on to say this: "Well, um...urine is pretty sterile. Unless someone has a urinary-tract infection, there is almost never bacteria in urine. There is a question of whether the waste products, such as urea, would irritate the rectal mucosa. But other than that, it's probably no big deal. It's not a 'safe sex' practice: the HIV load in urine is pretty low, but the virus is present [in the urine of HIV-infected persons]. Unfortunately, there's probably no randomized control trial on this subject."
I asked the doc if your lover's urine passing through the walls of your colon and into your bloodstream was at all problematic: "It's the same stuff your k**neys are filtering out of your blood--there really is nothing terrible in it. No problem, really." So, it's like this: as long as your partner doesn't have a urinary-tract infection, is not HIV-positive, and is not suffering from any other STDs, his peeing in your butt is apparently pretty harmless. Gross, but harmless.
Hey, Faggot:
I'm a 26-year-old woman. My 28-year-old boyfriend and I have great sex, but the actual intercourse part of it never lasts more than a few minutes (premature ejaculation). Is there anything you or your readers can suggest he/I/we can do to prolong our encounters? Low maintenance, please.
We don't wanna have to work during sex.--Wait!
Hey, W:
A sex ther****t could probably help, but that would be "high maintenance." So here's a low-maintenance suggestion that worked for a long-ago, far-away boyfriend of mine. He, like your boyfriend, came too quickly. But if we kept on screwing around after his first orgasm, he got hard again in anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes. That second erection would last and last--he almost never came too quickly the second time around. In fact, sometimes it took forever. Give it a try: bring him to a little preliminary orgasm, without much buildup, and then just keep rolling around till he's back in form. If that don't work, you may need to seek out a high-maintenance solution. Good luck.
Hey, Faggot:
I have a question about Jane Austen and gay sex. According to a friend, there is a connection. He said that among gay men, a book by Austen placed prominently by the bed is a signal that the book's owner is willing to be, if you will, the penetrate; no such novel by the bedside and he prefers to be the penetrator. Was my friend full of it, or is this literary signal game a part of real life? --Curious
Hey, Curious:
I'm certain your letter is bullshit, as no one could be so stoopid as to believe that gay men who wanna get fucked leave Austen lying around the house instead of just screaming "Fuck me!" at their one-night stands. But I printed your letter so I could mention the titles I actually have on my nightstand at the moment, Pride and Prejudice not among them: Virtual Equality: The Mainstreaming of Gay and Lesbian Liberation, by Urvashi Vaid (note to the New York Times Book Review: Bruce Bawer isn't fit to eat the corn out of Urvashi Vaid's shit, let alone review her book. And as Vaid is highly critical of Bawer in Virtual Equality, why on earth was he given the assignment? His entirely off-the-mark "review" was score settling, gussied up as criticism. NYT, you should be ashamed of yourself. And Bruce: don't you think the sight of you walking around with your head stuck up your ass has to be at least as alarming to straight people as the sight of leather and drag queens strolling up the street on Queer Pride Day? Just a thought...); Thinking About Longstanding Problems of Virtue and Happiness, by Tony Kushner; and Denying the Holocaust: The Growing Assault on Memory and Truth, by Deborah Lipstadt. All three books I recommend highly, and all would make excellent gifts.
Hey, Faggot:
Please don't tell people to use Kwell! (medication used to treat scabies only after safer medications (such as permethrin or crotamiton) have failed or caused side effects. It works by killing the tiny insects (mites) and their eggs, which cause scabies.)
It says right on the label "May cause nervous system damage." It is nasty stuff. Elimite, also by prescription, is much safer and at least as effective as Kwell, if not better. For scabies it is often the only d**g that works.
Please tell your readers about this, as some doctors still push the Kwell--they may not even be familiar with Elimite. --Eric
Confidential to Scott V.:
When I was little, my brother Eddie would answer my questions about sex. Once, I asked him what a blow job was, and he told me, "It's when a man opens up a woman's vagina and blows into it." I believed that until I was, I think, 26 years old. Did I neglect to mention that my brother Eddie is straight? Well, he is. So, I won't be fixing you two up. Thanks for inquiring.
Hey, Faggot:
We were having a little office debate about "gerbiling." How does it work? Do all gay men do this? Does Richard Gere? Does the a****l get shoved up the anus with a toilet paper roll only to suffocate seconds later? Is it the scratching or the act of killing an a****l that gets people off? Why? Can't this cause serious damage? What gives? —Curious Coworkers
Answer: I have never had a gerbil in my ass.
This statement is not controversial for the reasons one would hope: it isn't controversial in the "Hey! That's uncalled for!" sense, like, say, a woman at a dinner party announcing that she doesn't have a hedgehog in her vagina. That would be uncalled for, because no one would suspect her of concealing a hedgehog. But being a gay man or Richard Gere in America means always having to reassure people that you don't have a gerbil in your ass—at dinner parties, during family reunions, at funerals, on CNN, at passport control, wherever! For while gay men and, I assume, Richard Gere don't put gerbils in their asses, not a day goes by that someone—usually a straight 13-year-old boy—doesn't try to shove one in, figuratively speaking.
Hundreds of thousands of men and women in this country, my fellow Americans, leave high school convinced that gay men put gerbils in their asses on a semiregular basis. Unlike the denial of our hypothetical dinner party guest—the woman innocent of stuffing hedgehogs into her vagina—my denial of stuffing gerbils is necessitated by the accusation. If it were widely believed that women stuffed hedgehogs into their vaginas, then women would have to deny "hedgehogging."
Some background: Gerbil stuffing is a sexual practice that straight teenage boys in general, and Howard Stern in particular, suspect gay men in general, and Richard Gere (who is not gay) in particular, of engaging in. It works like this: Hold a gerbil in your left hand. Using pliers with your right hand, rip off the gerbil's lower jaw. With the blunt side of the pliers, knock out the teeth in its upper jaw. Pull all four of its legs off. Leave the tail. Set aside. Take a paper towel roll, grease it up, and insert it into your rectum. Tie a string to the gerbil's tail. Nudge the gerbil into the outside end of the paper towel roll. If for no other reason than to get away from the person who knocked its teeth out, the gerbil leglessly scampers up the wet paper towel roll.
When the gerbil drops into the anal cavity, remove the wet paper towel roll, leaving the string you've tied to the gerbil's tail hanging out of your ass. The gerbil, now trapped inside your anal cavity, thrashes around, desperate for air. It is this thrashing that provides pleasurable sensations. Once the gerbil is dead, remove it by pulling on the string. Repeat.
OK, three things:
1. The type of straight person who believes that gay men engage in "gerbiling" is likely to believe other gay stereotypes: we're all prissy little swishes, for instance, with clean apartments and extensive collections of original Broadway cast recordings. Yet the same person who believes gay men are prim sissies also believes we're capable of holding a struggling rodent in one hand while ripping its lower jaw off with the other, and then tearing its legs off (think of the mess!) and stuffing it up our butts—hardly a prim pastime. This is known as cognitive dissonance: the holding of mutually exclusive beliefs.
2. There is nothing intrinsically "gay" about gerbil stuffing. You don't need two penises—you don't actually need penises at all—or an original Broadway cast recording. All you need is one doomed gerbil and one willing butt hole (and pliers, lube, tubes, and string). Some straight people have a peculiar need to believe certain sex acts—usually disgusting ones—are practiced only by gay men, despite evidence to the contrary. Fisting, for instance. Straight people can and do fist. I have a file of heterosexual fisting photos, anal and vaginal, that I've pulled off the Internet; I keep them on my desktop to prove to family and friends that, yes indeed, straight people fist. This curious impulse to credit gay men with sex acts that anyone can perform extends to sex acts straight people themselves are the primary practitioners of. c***d ****, for instance.
3. Inserting a wet paper towel roll into your ass is simply not possible, as anyone who's ever put anything in their ass can tell you.
Now, I feel I can write with some authority that no one has ever actually stuffed a gerbil up their butt, perhaps with more authority than I can write that God and angels do not exist. I've had conversations with hundreds of outrageously kinky people, gay and straight, who've told me the craziest shit: I once chatted for an hour with a guy who married his horse. (He was deeply offended when I asked if his horse was a he horse or a she horse. "I am not a homosexual," the hetero horse fucker informed me.) Both in my professional and personal life, thousands of guys have freely admitted to doing the most out-there, dangerous, risky, stupid, kinky stuff. But not once in all these years has anyone ever told me that he, or anyone he knows, or anyone anyone he knows knows, has ever put a gerbil in his ass. Like the doomed gerbils themselves, this story has no legs. It is an urban legend.
But you don't have to take my word for it: I have proof. If gay men and Richard Gere stuffed gerbils in their butts, well, then the pet stores that serve the gay and Richard Gere communities would stock gerbils, right? I mean, everything else that a perverse gay man needs is available in your average gay neighborhood, from poppers to butt plugs to bullwhips to sofa sectionals. So if we stuff gerbils up our butts, then pet stores in, say, California must do a bang-up gerbil business.
But guess what? In San Francisco's Castro neighborhood, gay ground zero, the pet store Petpourri, "where professionals answer your every question," sells only pet supplies—no gerbils—and it doesn't stock paper towel tubes or pliers, either. a****l Farm in West Hollywood, also a very gay place, sells only dogs and cats (which wouldn't fit up anyone's butt, not even Richard Gere's). And guess what I learned while looking into this? Not only do pet stores in California not sell gerbils, but it's actually i*****l for them to do so.
According to Marshall Meyers, an attorney at the Pet Industry Joint Advisory Council in Washington, D.C.: "California law prohibits the sale of gerbils because of desert conditions in that state. Gerbils were once a desert mammal, and the state was concerned that gerbils could escape and establish themselves in the wild. It is a form of a****l control." It's not because gay men stick them in their asses? "No, it's strictly an ecosystem issue."
Hey, Faggot:
I'm married and finishing my PhD while working full-time. As a result, I don't get to spend as much time as I would like with my wonderful husband. I know you're a workaholic as well. How do you manage to make your husband feel he is getting the attention/time he deserves?
Answer: When I'm totally stressed out and don't have the bandwidth to give my husband the attention/time he deserves, I take a moment now and then to reassure him that things will settle down soon. I've found he's most receptive to this message when it's delivered immediately after I've taken a few minutes to blow him.
Hey Faggot:
I'm a woman whose husband won't spank me. I found a man like, and we meet up for spanking sessions. Neither of our spouses know. It's only spanking, no sex. How bad should I feel? —Really Erotic Dalliances But, Um, Married - Thanks in advance REDBUM
Answer: Very bad. In fact, REDBUM, I think you should be spanked for getting spanked behind your husband's back—then spanked again for getting spanked for getting spanked behind your husband's back. And then spanked some more. Then fucked with a horse cock dildo.
Hey, Faggot:
Im, a 21-year-old male, enjoy receptive fisting. I've also had constipation problems all my life. Question: I saw my doctor recently, and he tried to link my enjoyment of anal sex to my constipation. (Granted, I didn't tell him EVERYTHING I do down there.) My understanding was that there was no causal relationship, assuming no serious injuries occur. Is there something I don't know? Was my doctor just trying to be helpful? —Fearing Inner Sanctum Tarnished
Answer: There are many myths about anal sex, but this is the first time I've heard this one.
It's also the first time I've heard anyone associate fisting with constipation—typically when fisting is mentioned in the same sentence as constipation, FIST, it's as a cure. But it's a myth that fisting cures constipation, of course, just as it's a myth that anal sex is inherently dangerous.
"Fisting is a safe activity, provided that both the top and bottom are sober at the time," said Shalit. "It does not cause damage or constipation or any other type of bowel problem. The same applies to other anal sexual activities. There is a misconception that these activities can cause damage by stretching or tearing the tissue, when actually the anus is very elastic."
Despite the fact that millions safely engage in anal play, many people believe that anal play does irreparable harm to the anus—or the soul—and that, sadly, includes many doctors.
"If a person suffers from constipation, that should be addressed as its own problem and not blamed on any type of anal sexual activity. So bend over and just relax - this won't hurt much.
Hey Faggot:
I'm a 22-year-old male with a vaginal fisting fetish. I have yet to tell my girlfriend of three years about this. First, although we're in love, no relationship is 100 percent guaranteed, and fulfilling this particular kink would result in drastic and permanent physical changes that could ruin her for anyone else if we don't make it. Second, I'm not sure how to ask. I can't just say, "Hey, hon? Mind if I jam my arm in there?" Third, even if she were for it, I don't know where to start! —Fetishist in Serious Turmoil
Answer: I shared your e-mail with my sister. She recommends plenty of lube and lots of Booze. "The only 'drastic and permanent' changes that occur are the changes of mind and body that come when one realizes how much pleasure one can have," The stretched-out black-hole-of-doom is a myth. My sister is 46 and can still walk up a flight of stairs without dropping the Ben Wa balls—and that after plenty of fisting, with more than one partner.
Oh! and remember you start by removing your watch.
I've been using one of those shower anal douches for about a year now and I've always wondered if there are any long-term side effects I should be aware of. Is using the douche once or twice a week too often? Am I washing away good bacteria? How do the prostate and colon fare during all this washing? --An Ass You Could Eat Dinner On --
Hey, AYCEDO:
Anal douching--giving yourself enemas--once or twice a week poses no long- or short-term health risks, so long as you're using lukewarm tap water and avoiding those nasty chemical douches sold in d**gstores. As for your prostate: the water doesn't actually wash over your prostate, as your prostate is tucked safely behind the walls of the rectum. Giving yourself an enema--or having a friend give you an enema--places pressure on the prostate, which some people find pleasurable, but doesn't "wash" it. As for your colon, any poop or mucus you manage to flush out will be replaced in pretty short order--your body just keeps making more. So, not to worry.
The only risk you're running, actually, is the means to your end: specifically, that shower-attachment anal doucher. You need to be very careful about the amount of water pressure you're putting on your guts; you don't wanna burst 'em. While those cyborg-douche shower attachments look dramatic, they're not the safest way to get water up your butt. Low-tech enema bags are easier to control, and you're not going to bump the faucet and increase the pressure accidentally.
Hey, Faggot:
One of my fetishes is to have my boyfriend piss up my butt. He's resistant, thinking it's most unsanitary. Aside from the obvious exposure to STDs, is there any other reason I shouldn't let him piss up my ass? --Fixated on Piss
Hey, FIP:
Here's what my old pal, Dr. Barak Gaster, had to say: "Yuck." After assuring him that entertaining your question isn't the same thing as endorsing your interests--don't I know it--he went on to say this: "Well, um...urine is pretty sterile. Unless someone has a urinary-tract infection, there is almost never bacteria in urine. There is a question of whether the waste products, such as urea, would irritate the rectal mucosa. But other than that, it's probably no big deal. It's not a 'safe sex' practice: the HIV load in urine is pretty low, but the virus is present [in the urine of HIV-infected persons]. Unfortunately, there's probably no randomized control trial on this subject."
I asked the doc if your lover's urine passing through the walls of your colon and into your bloodstream was at all problematic: "It's the same stuff your k**neys are filtering out of your blood--there really is nothing terrible in it. No problem, really." So, it's like this: as long as your partner doesn't have a urinary-tract infection, is not HIV-positive, and is not suffering from any other STDs, his peeing in your butt is apparently pretty harmless. Gross, but harmless.
Hey, Faggot:
I'm a 26-year-old woman. My 28-year-old boyfriend and I have great sex, but the actual intercourse part of it never lasts more than a few minutes (premature ejaculation). Is there anything you or your readers can suggest he/I/we can do to prolong our encounters? Low maintenance, please.
We don't wanna have to work during sex.--Wait!
Hey, W:
A sex ther****t could probably help, but that would be "high maintenance." So here's a low-maintenance suggestion that worked for a long-ago, far-away boyfriend of mine. He, like your boyfriend, came too quickly. But if we kept on screwing around after his first orgasm, he got hard again in anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes. That second erection would last and last--he almost never came too quickly the second time around. In fact, sometimes it took forever. Give it a try: bring him to a little preliminary orgasm, without much buildup, and then just keep rolling around till he's back in form. If that don't work, you may need to seek out a high-maintenance solution. Good luck.
Hey, Faggot:
I have a question about Jane Austen and gay sex. According to a friend, there is a connection. He said that among gay men, a book by Austen placed prominently by the bed is a signal that the book's owner is willing to be, if you will, the penetrate; no such novel by the bedside and he prefers to be the penetrator. Was my friend full of it, or is this literary signal game a part of real life? --Curious
Hey, Curious:
I'm certain your letter is bullshit, as no one could be so stoopid as to believe that gay men who wanna get fucked leave Austen lying around the house instead of just screaming "Fuck me!" at their one-night stands. But I printed your letter so I could mention the titles I actually have on my nightstand at the moment, Pride and Prejudice not among them: Virtual Equality: The Mainstreaming of Gay and Lesbian Liberation, by Urvashi Vaid (note to the New York Times Book Review: Bruce Bawer isn't fit to eat the corn out of Urvashi Vaid's shit, let alone review her book. And as Vaid is highly critical of Bawer in Virtual Equality, why on earth was he given the assignment? His entirely off-the-mark "review" was score settling, gussied up as criticism. NYT, you should be ashamed of yourself. And Bruce: don't you think the sight of you walking around with your head stuck up your ass has to be at least as alarming to straight people as the sight of leather and drag queens strolling up the street on Queer Pride Day? Just a thought...); Thinking About Longstanding Problems of Virtue and Happiness, by Tony Kushner; and Denying the Holocaust: The Growing Assault on Memory and Truth, by Deborah Lipstadt. All three books I recommend highly, and all would make excellent gifts.
Hey, Faggot:
Please don't tell people to use Kwell! (medication used to treat scabies only after safer medications (such as permethrin or crotamiton) have failed or caused side effects. It works by killing the tiny insects (mites) and their eggs, which cause scabies.)
It says right on the label "May cause nervous system damage." It is nasty stuff. Elimite, also by prescription, is much safer and at least as effective as Kwell, if not better. For scabies it is often the only d**g that works.
Please tell your readers about this, as some doctors still push the Kwell--they may not even be familiar with Elimite. --Eric
Confidential to Scott V.:
When I was little, my brother Eddie would answer my questions about sex. Once, I asked him what a blow job was, and he told me, "It's when a man opens up a woman's vagina and blows into it." I believed that until I was, I think, 26 years old. Did I neglect to mention that my brother Eddie is straight? Well, he is. So, I won't be fixing you two up. Thanks for inquiring.
Hey, Faggot:
We were having a little office debate about "gerbiling." How does it work? Do all gay men do this? Does Richard Gere? Does the a****l get shoved up the anus with a toilet paper roll only to suffocate seconds later? Is it the scratching or the act of killing an a****l that gets people off? Why? Can't this cause serious damage? What gives? —Curious Coworkers
Answer: I have never had a gerbil in my ass.
This statement is not controversial for the reasons one would hope: it isn't controversial in the "Hey! That's uncalled for!" sense, like, say, a woman at a dinner party announcing that she doesn't have a hedgehog in her vagina. That would be uncalled for, because no one would suspect her of concealing a hedgehog. But being a gay man or Richard Gere in America means always having to reassure people that you don't have a gerbil in your ass—at dinner parties, during family reunions, at funerals, on CNN, at passport control, wherever! For while gay men and, I assume, Richard Gere don't put gerbils in their asses, not a day goes by that someone—usually a straight 13-year-old boy—doesn't try to shove one in, figuratively speaking.
Hundreds of thousands of men and women in this country, my fellow Americans, leave high school convinced that gay men put gerbils in their asses on a semiregular basis. Unlike the denial of our hypothetical dinner party guest—the woman innocent of stuffing hedgehogs into her vagina—my denial of stuffing gerbils is necessitated by the accusation. If it were widely believed that women stuffed hedgehogs into their vaginas, then women would have to deny "hedgehogging."
Some background: Gerbil stuffing is a sexual practice that straight teenage boys in general, and Howard Stern in particular, suspect gay men in general, and Richard Gere (who is not gay) in particular, of engaging in. It works like this: Hold a gerbil in your left hand. Using pliers with your right hand, rip off the gerbil's lower jaw. With the blunt side of the pliers, knock out the teeth in its upper jaw. Pull all four of its legs off. Leave the tail. Set aside. Take a paper towel roll, grease it up, and insert it into your rectum. Tie a string to the gerbil's tail. Nudge the gerbil into the outside end of the paper towel roll. If for no other reason than to get away from the person who knocked its teeth out, the gerbil leglessly scampers up the wet paper towel roll.
When the gerbil drops into the anal cavity, remove the wet paper towel roll, leaving the string you've tied to the gerbil's tail hanging out of your ass. The gerbil, now trapped inside your anal cavity, thrashes around, desperate for air. It is this thrashing that provides pleasurable sensations. Once the gerbil is dead, remove it by pulling on the string. Repeat.
OK, three things:
1. The type of straight person who believes that gay men engage in "gerbiling" is likely to believe other gay stereotypes: we're all prissy little swishes, for instance, with clean apartments and extensive collections of original Broadway cast recordings. Yet the same person who believes gay men are prim sissies also believes we're capable of holding a struggling rodent in one hand while ripping its lower jaw off with the other, and then tearing its legs off (think of the mess!) and stuffing it up our butts—hardly a prim pastime. This is known as cognitive dissonance: the holding of mutually exclusive beliefs.
2. There is nothing intrinsically "gay" about gerbil stuffing. You don't need two penises—you don't actually need penises at all—or an original Broadway cast recording. All you need is one doomed gerbil and one willing butt hole (and pliers, lube, tubes, and string). Some straight people have a peculiar need to believe certain sex acts—usually disgusting ones—are practiced only by gay men, despite evidence to the contrary. Fisting, for instance. Straight people can and do fist. I have a file of heterosexual fisting photos, anal and vaginal, that I've pulled off the Internet; I keep them on my desktop to prove to family and friends that, yes indeed, straight people fist. This curious impulse to credit gay men with sex acts that anyone can perform extends to sex acts straight people themselves are the primary practitioners of. c***d ****, for instance.
3. Inserting a wet paper towel roll into your ass is simply not possible, as anyone who's ever put anything in their ass can tell you.
Now, I feel I can write with some authority that no one has ever actually stuffed a gerbil up their butt, perhaps with more authority than I can write that God and angels do not exist. I've had conversations with hundreds of outrageously kinky people, gay and straight, who've told me the craziest shit: I once chatted for an hour with a guy who married his horse. (He was deeply offended when I asked if his horse was a he horse or a she horse. "I am not a homosexual," the hetero horse fucker informed me.) Both in my professional and personal life, thousands of guys have freely admitted to doing the most out-there, dangerous, risky, stupid, kinky stuff. But not once in all these years has anyone ever told me that he, or anyone he knows, or anyone anyone he knows knows, has ever put a gerbil in his ass. Like the doomed gerbils themselves, this story has no legs. It is an urban legend.
But you don't have to take my word for it: I have proof. If gay men and Richard Gere stuffed gerbils in their butts, well, then the pet stores that serve the gay and Richard Gere communities would stock gerbils, right? I mean, everything else that a perverse gay man needs is available in your average gay neighborhood, from poppers to butt plugs to bullwhips to sofa sectionals. So if we stuff gerbils up our butts, then pet stores in, say, California must do a bang-up gerbil business.
But guess what? In San Francisco's Castro neighborhood, gay ground zero, the pet store Petpourri, "where professionals answer your every question," sells only pet supplies—no gerbils—and it doesn't stock paper towel tubes or pliers, either. a****l Farm in West Hollywood, also a very gay place, sells only dogs and cats (which wouldn't fit up anyone's butt, not even Richard Gere's). And guess what I learned while looking into this? Not only do pet stores in California not sell gerbils, but it's actually i*****l for them to do so.
According to Marshall Meyers, an attorney at the Pet Industry Joint Advisory Council in Washington, D.C.: "California law prohibits the sale of gerbils because of desert conditions in that state. Gerbils were once a desert mammal, and the state was concerned that gerbils could escape and establish themselves in the wild. It is a form of a****l control." It's not because gay men stick them in their asses? "No, it's strictly an ecosystem issue."
Hey, Faggot:
I'm married and finishing my PhD while working full-time. As a result, I don't get to spend as much time as I would like with my wonderful husband. I know you're a workaholic as well. How do you manage to make your husband feel he is getting the attention/time he deserves?
Answer: When I'm totally stressed out and don't have the bandwidth to give my husband the attention/time he deserves, I take a moment now and then to reassure him that things will settle down soon. I've found he's most receptive to this message when it's delivered immediately after I've taken a few minutes to blow him.
Hey Faggot:
I'm a woman whose husband won't spank me. I found a man like, and we meet up for spanking sessions. Neither of our spouses know. It's only spanking, no sex. How bad should I feel? —Really Erotic Dalliances But, Um, Married - Thanks in advance REDBUM
Answer: Very bad. In fact, REDBUM, I think you should be spanked for getting spanked behind your husband's back—then spanked again for getting spanked for getting spanked behind your husband's back. And then spanked some more. Then fucked with a horse cock dildo.
Hey, Faggot:
Im, a 21-year-old male, enjoy receptive fisting. I've also had constipation problems all my life. Question: I saw my doctor recently, and he tried to link my enjoyment of anal sex to my constipation. (Granted, I didn't tell him EVERYTHING I do down there.) My understanding was that there was no causal relationship, assuming no serious injuries occur. Is there something I don't know? Was my doctor just trying to be helpful? —Fearing Inner Sanctum Tarnished
Answer: There are many myths about anal sex, but this is the first time I've heard this one.
It's also the first time I've heard anyone associate fisting with constipation—typically when fisting is mentioned in the same sentence as constipation, FIST, it's as a cure. But it's a myth that fisting cures constipation, of course, just as it's a myth that anal sex is inherently dangerous.
"Fisting is a safe activity, provided that both the top and bottom are sober at the time," said Shalit. "It does not cause damage or constipation or any other type of bowel problem. The same applies to other anal sexual activities. There is a misconception that these activities can cause damage by stretching or tearing the tissue, when actually the anus is very elastic."
Despite the fact that millions safely engage in anal play, many people believe that anal play does irreparable harm to the anus—or the soul—and that, sadly, includes many doctors.
"If a person suffers from constipation, that should be addressed as its own problem and not blamed on any type of anal sexual activity. So bend over and just relax - this won't hurt much.
Hey Faggot:
I'm a 22-year-old male with a vaginal fisting fetish. I have yet to tell my girlfriend of three years about this. First, although we're in love, no relationship is 100 percent guaranteed, and fulfilling this particular kink would result in drastic and permanent physical changes that could ruin her for anyone else if we don't make it. Second, I'm not sure how to ask. I can't just say, "Hey, hon? Mind if I jam my arm in there?" Third, even if she were for it, I don't know where to start! —Fetishist in Serious Turmoil
Answer: I shared your e-mail with my sister. She recommends plenty of lube and lots of Booze. "The only 'drastic and permanent' changes that occur are the changes of mind and body that come when one realizes how much pleasure one can have," The stretched-out black-hole-of-doom is a myth. My sister is 46 and can still walk up a flight of stairs without dropping the Ben Wa balls—and that after plenty of fisting, with more than one partner.
Oh! and remember you start by removing your watch.
6 年 前
