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If you want to put me on a scale between gentle and rough, - good luck with it, cause somehow, I don’t seem to fit that easily, not sure why. Personally, I think of the things I like as ultimate vanilla, but as I unfortunately found out first hand in my past marriage, one guys tender is another girls gross. Similarly, I often see stuff on this site that to me represents warm and caring intimacy, but then people tag it bdsm and talk mad trash in the comments.

So, let’s make a few crucial distinctions:

To me, sex is supposed to be a pure and unspoiled thing, a physical representation of love and kindness towards the person you love. So I find the biggest turnoff in all that femdom stuff to be not even the esthetics (although it’s mostly too silly as well), but rather the very concept of coming home and not having your first priority in washing off all that spiritual dirt of insecurities, ambitions and frustrations, all the bs social games, rituals and power struggles, but taking it with you right into the bedroom – the one place in the world that should be a legit “safe space”, protected from that crap.

So then people take it as denial of physicality, which they for some reason associate with games of domination and submission, but the way I see it, it’s the other way round. I allow myself occasional use of strength, and I enjoy feeling my woman using a bit on me as well. And the way I understand the Ying Yang balance, it’s a dynamic thing, not stagnant. So I guess it’s natural for a man to lead and for a woman to follow most of the time, but a model where those roles are cast in stone feels, frankly, incredibly boring. It’s much more fun when the initiative changes hands and is recaptured, playfully taken away or passed willingly to only switch the roles later. And the exact reason two can feel secure and comfortable playing that game, is that it’s never about someone getting dominated or abused – instead, it’s two people taking turns in protecting each other from the harsh outside world. The physicality then, the strong grips and frantic shakes, teeth and nails, occasionally pushing the pleasure to the edge until it’s borderline a bit too sharp – that’s never about control or proving a point, but only expressing the deep passion for your partner and appreciation of their gifts.

On a similar vibe, try as I might I just can’t shut up when things get heated and have to accept that what they call “dirty talk” is a crucial element for me, but again, it’s always only to express deep admiration and excitement, if not in the most gallant of terms, and never to humiliate. Being raunchy and indecent, providing play-by-play commentary for the action and going into details with the most unacceptable language ever – that’s my kind of fun! Name calling, trash talking and comparing my woman to a cheap sex worker – very much not.

Esthetically, the plastic world of glamorous magazines does nothing for me. I know it’s sadly how many girls like to see sex, calling it “beautiful love”, but to me it’s just cold, distant and alienating. I value realness and human warmth and I don’t mind in the slightest that it comes hand in hand with a bunch of little natural imperfections, like sweat and saliva, pubic hair and occasional belly roll (or three). I’ll take real over fake rubber-and-plastic perfect any day. So if we’re going to be friends, at least I’d expect you not to be one grossed out by such things and comfortable in your own skin, better still – as willing to admire it in yourself and other ladies, as I am ;)

P.S.: And yeah, as naive as it might seem on a site like this, I’m not at all into the whole hookup culture and think of the joy of sex as something that only comes from intimacy of real relationships. I guess, old fashioned that way.